punch archive

more slapees back nominations: your votes weird ones fuckwits nominate!

Steve Jobs You may not know this, as Apple doesn't make the headlines like MicroSuck, but Steve Jobs, the immature, possessive "visionary" is now at the helm. Facts. A couple of shrewd financial moves in the early eighties, and you'd have a "Smack Steve Jobs" feature on your site, count on it, and Billy Gates would be the struggling underdog. Neiher of these men is interested in anything more than having his name writ large over the pages of electronic history, and making cash like cows make fertilizer. ZokkA Number Won - lrc@uwichill.edu.bb ginger spice she lies about her age I can't believe she's not in her 40's samathsom@sprintmail.com mick hucknell he is a sad ginger tallentless bushy berk ashant@premier.co.uk Tamara Beckwith For patronising the working classes, moaning about having too many/not enough dresses, for not having a proper job and generally being a snoobish bint. soccetch@livjm.ac.uk Pamela Lee She's just plain aannoying and a hazard on aeroplanes beezneez@dircon.co.uk Elton John For using death to further his carreer. What's next, "P-p-p-pope J.P. is Dead" to the tune of Benny and the Jets Aja Signor/a_signor@emerson.edu All Cops First, they deny skaters like me and my friends the freedom we deserve. What is a wooden board going to do to some concrete steps and an empty sidewalk? Second, those self righteous pigs think they're G-d, confiscating our boards and bringing us to the station for drug tests if they think we look suspicious. Those bastards should wake up and start getting the real criminals, instead of harrassing skaters. Ever seen the Nike commercial, where the cops chase the tennis players off the court and they try to run away? That's exactly how we feel Jedi375@yahoo.com Puff Daddy he can't write his own music without faith evans, sting, lil kim, wyclef, mase, the family.... who else? and it's all dedicated to b.i.g. he's dead! get over it! sierra@vaxxine.com Geoff Boycott Decades behind the sharp slap that he is crying out for. Please do your civic duty. The arrogant Yorkshire unprincipled swine needs some of it back. Does he like it up him? judith.salters@mailexcite.com Noel Edmunds? Why? Because he is a smug, tidy bearded all round family entertaining clenched sphincta tosser. Because he invented Mr cocking Blobby - a creation that has caused the uk international shame. Because he minces around in nausiating jumpers. Why Davey Jones?Again, a shamer of the UK. Davey "sing and fucking dance along to old music hall shit" Jones. Davey "I was the most useless and unfunny of the Monkees". Davey "short arsed tommy steel cocking wannabee". Bastard.and you can add bollocking Tommy Steel an all. john.rowley@ntu.ac.uk Michael Flatley smug fucking douchebag. make him trot off my tv and onto my computer screen... I'll strangle him with his fucking headband and then I'll smack him. Asshole. you-trip-me-up@snet.net the Hong Kong SAR Government For fucking trying to gas the fucking chickens and then letting them run around while they're all out partying. For not doing anything about ANYTHING since the handover. For being just plain fucking STUPID. jm_csc@hotmail.com Fairemile Security I think Chief of Security in Cornwall (Fairemile evictions) should get a slap. He has no respect what so ever for the countryside and the people protecting it, and I think he deserves to be punched and kicked to the ground, just like he ordered his men to do to the protesters. ltcca@weycoll.ac.uk chumbawamba These guys keep falling down but they can't get up. They keep slipping on their own egos and body grease. And what is with that trumpet. I want to shove it up their @#!arse. It sounds like a fog horn. Give them a slap and a half from me!!!!!!!!!!! russell/rlogozar@hotmail.com Ann Robinson Have YOU ever made it through a whole edition of Watchdog!!!!without wanting to?! tuttonp@nospam.boat.bt.com Winnie the pooh Hes a big fat pig that eats anything.He talks like a broken car. Lisa imweedle@juno.com Shane Richie this greasy fifties throw back fuckwit thinks he's king of entertainment when he's only ever been in a tacky ad for whiter than white washing powder, a truly boring wedding show and a bbc rip off of you've been framed. Not only that but he's always going on about having slept with over 1000 women, i personally cannot beleve this but even if it is true i bet they wern't all pretty.... terry_bailey@email.msn.com Liam Gallagher @cos he's fucking asking for it. He's a loud mouthed, monobrowed twat who hides behind his bouncers and his insipid little brother. Be here, now, Liam for a right slapping! a.sexton@virgin.net Van drivers Bullies in vans think they're hard 'cos they've got a big mota' and they're wiv their 'ard mates. Pull out in front of you ALL the time, cut you up ALL the time, drive up your arse ALL the time and generally get on your tits ALL THE BLOODY TIME! spen@hotmail.com 'Lord Irvine of Lairg It really is a bit obvious but anyone who lets power go to his head so much that he bills the taxpayers 650,000 ukp to decorate his 'official residence, including 60,000 ukp for wallpaper alone is obviously asking for it. r.i.c. / r.wilson@cs.ucl.ac.uk BILL GATES!! There have already been too amny good small software companies put out of business! yet he keeps going an going and gouging and gouging the world public, he's a criminal, a GEEK, has no fasion sense whatsoever,(you'd figure the worlds richest man could hire somebody to dress him, tightwad!, maybe the spice girls they're cheap!)talks about Sh!t that he doesn't even understand, dicks over honest hard working people with price fixing and designed in obsolescense, oooohhh!!! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM, AND NOW HE BOUGHT HOTMAIL!!! THAT'S WHO I USE!AND NOW THEY TOOK AWAT THE COOL ROUND BUTTON TO PUT A SQUARE GREY Fu@*ING MICRIMINALSOFT BUTTON AND AND RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME!!! VIVE'LA UNIX, VIVE LA OS/2!! Alan J. Adams/padrino21@hotmail.com small yappy dogs Dogs are great, man's best friend and all that. However, what good did a tinwhiste on legs ever do except really piss off anybody within three miles. scrambola@tecres.co.uk Martin Amis Martin Amis writes pulp crap for clueless post-graduates who want to be seen reading "smart" novels. adeleni@interport.net Christopher Columbus Look what you started! Jim Klousia/monkeyshine@hotmail.com Chris Evans The huge gulf between how good he is and how good he thinks he is.john@shiel.u-net.com Danny Baker Because he's a fat, non-talented, obnoxious, boring tosser. Need I say more ? Ian Smith (smithi3@boat.bt.com) Harriet Harman Why do you think? How can a cabinet minister state that she's opposed to selection in secondary education and send her kids to grammar schools? Also, this welfare to work tosh; it's alright for middle class Islington people to have a nice £30k number and the abiblity to pay for a private minder, but what about the poor bloody women who have to take a shit job at less than the minimum wage because they can't afford to bring up their children on the reduced pittance that that Harman cow has ordained. State childminding facilities are crap, and we're going to end up with a generation of latchkey kids. It makes me very very angry. Remember the good old days when we had a Labour Party? Ned masl49@dial.pipex.co Puff Daddy This man is totally void of musical talent coupled with his incessent belief that what he is doing is both fantasic and creative. He ritualistcally supports audio sampling as an art form when it should be called what it really is, Stealing. The vindication he receives from the masses is an obvious sign that rap music of the 90's is nothing but a pasture of wandering sheep foloowing whatever mtv and the media say is the newest thing. No one person can legitimazize Puffy as an artist except for himself and that in turn shows the idolitry that is his following. Colin Patrick Stupatri@acs.eku.edu STRINGFELLOW Needs a punch for being a complete twat who thinks that he is incredibly cool , but is in fact , well on his way to becoming a coffin dodger . He should accept this and stop making a prat of himself poncing about with his fake tan and slappers half his age . How any woman could sleep with that slimy bastard is beyond me . Jsheph21@bgs.bristol.sch.uk A Poodle A poodle is just a stupid little animal that looks like a ball of fluff running around. ben harro@magna.com.au Five Heard of 5? No, me neither. They were nominated by Smash hits readers (not that you should listen to pre-pubescent girlle mags) as "best new band." This was WITHOUT RELEASING A SINGLE SONG. And now they're in the (rigged) charts. They, and other media produced "bands" deserve much more than a fucking slap, believe you me. pht7@aber.ac.uk Mariah Carey This woman sounds like a cross between a broken car alarm and a constipated duck .If she thinks the shit she's "singing" is music, what dreamworld is she living in? And what's with the "Let's show more cleavage" motif? Who is she fooling? Even though we can't stop her continual squealing, a good punch in the face would do. Nam Hee , namhee@Seltek.com.au (Lord) Norman Tebbit He has the nerve to question the Britishness of those who are Black or Asian by who they cheer at cricket matches. Given the fact that most of the people who fly the flag for this country successfully in a sporting capacity were either born abroard or are from an ethnic minority, his comments line him up for a good duffing up. It's a pity he didn't snuff it in that hotel back in '84. I for one wouldn't have mourned his demise. Smug tosser! L.R./pitonheights77@hotmail.com Elton John For being a smug, insincere bastard. Crocodile tears flying everywhere at Diana's funeral then acting as if it was just just another gig when interviewed days after. It not just now, he's always been an arrogant arsehole. Set his wig on fire and the superglue it to his face, or just give hima slap - i'm not too bothered. etlcrdy@etl.ericsson.se Captain Kirk because he spoke with long gaps to have more air time and money wormella@aol.com Michael Jackson I'm sick amd tired about hearing about someone inspecting his penis. And anyway, why would someone want to alter their skin color and get a claft in his chin and, after that, write a song about the non-importance of skin color? chEeSe; hforseht@wtp.net GINGER SPICE I mean , this girl is 40 years old, and she pretends to be 20 or whatever.She's not Ginger spice she's Bag spice.She's a fat hairy grotty wrinkled prune and I swear I can fart better tunes out of my arse.And she shouldn't wear those skimpy outfits because it's not flattering and she'll explode of human combustion.If you want a fail safe diet just stick a picture of her on your fridge-it's guaranteed to put you off your food . Bernie Ecclestone Bribing the government to protect his precious cigarette advertising for the once-proud sport he rules like an insane dictator. kstephan@earthlink.net Noel Edmonds Not because he is a talentless prick, or because his show is so utterly un-funny, but because it has been just as un-funny in all the various guises that it has been in. Utterly, utterly unfunny. SMACK! Rupinder@mailexcite.com Zoe Ball Ugly, dense head, gnome faced, twat brained, talentless, screeching, masculine, greasy, maddening shitty bitch thing. Cool Dad mind. darrenm@cableol.co.uk Mariah Carey sure she can sing high, but do you think she can EVER make a video without her BOOBS ABOUT TO FALL OUT OF HER FUCKIN SHIRT?!!??!? I mean, shit, we REALLY don't need to see that. leefei@att.net.hk MARILYN MANSON What an arsehole!! What is the satanic crap he's talking about. Not only is his music shite but he's a weirdo who uses his one coloured eye contact, satanic worshipping and dressing up in stuff that came from an S&M car boot sale to attract attention!!! Give him a massive SLAP right in that ugly face! kultivate@yahoo.com Stock, Aitken and Waterman. If ever there was a trio that deserved to have seven colours of shit knocked out of them then it's this set of over weight tosspots. Jesus when I think of how many years of my social life they fucked up. These three cesspool lodgers where responsible for letting loose on an unsuspecting public such eejets as Rick Astley, Mel & Kim, Kylie Minogue and Jason Donavan to name but a few. While some things in life are forgiveable this shower are the mothers of all wankers just dying to get slapped good looking. Join in my quest to get these assholes the hiding they deserve. Ira J. Meehan. ijmeehan@yahoo.com Chumbawamba! Damn Tub-humpers! PLEASE KNOCK THEM DOWN! AND DON'T GET UP AGAIN! WE'LL KEEP SLAPPIN' THEIR ASSES DOWN! I'll TUBTHUMP you, you bunch of drunken one-hit-wonders! dfrank@visnetinc.com all the brit boy bands It began with Take That...and now .....teh list just goes on and on. East 17, CodeRed, 911. Heck, you boys should be singing real songs not soapy sobs numbers or how much u wanna kiss a girl, miss a girl etc. Grow up boys...maybe u just need a wee bit of spanking from a woman. That'll knock some senses in yer dim witted brain. Now...lemmie at em'! temenah@hotmail.com Alanis Morissette The girl sounds like a god damn pig getting its legs torn off. And how in gods name did she sell so many records? Jonny4444@aol.com Micheal Flatley, Lord of the Dance Some one oughta punch him. He'll be Riverdancing no more. liam_brennan@yahoo.com Jack Straw for the Labour Party's ridiculous Anti- drugs stance, for shopping his son and seeing to the charging of the Mirror journalist. A nasty man with a nasty haircut. He is the Demon Headmaster! garret@lard.com The Fashion model industry Whatever happened to the good old days when someone could have a regular healthy body and not be considered fat. Maybe we should draw attention to the fashion industry the fact that 1 in every 4 girls has an eating disorder. Not everybody you see on the street is completely anorexic and does hard drugs. maybe the fashion execs should take notice of that when they market their clothes. Just look at Calvin Klein ads. They're giving a message to a new generation of girls that anorexic is good and that you look good if you're a junkie. You never see fashion designers fitting into the clothes that they make- why should I be expected to? Doug Helium Doug_46@hotmail.com HIS ROYAL HAUGHTINESS- DUKE OF EDINBURGH Phil the Greek deserves a good smack in the face for 4 reasons - namely his offspring. Charles - he wouldn't know a good looking woman from a Pit-Bull Terrier as has been proved and besides he talks to plants for Gods sake. Anne - she should be the one riding around with a horse on her back - who would know the difference? Andrew - who passed on a good shag with Koo Stark for the Duchess of Pork and Edward - the lean mean mincing machine. Anyone who can lay claim to siring these 4 is worthy of a good wallop. frank.wallace@nf.sympatico.ca mariah carey well besides the non- stop squealing in every freaking song of hers what's up with her 'new' look if a seperation from her husband sparks this let's just call it 'more revealed' mariah well i don't even want to know what the divorce will bring. woman push your bosoms back into your bra and stop buying those way too short for your own damn good skirt and shirt combos from the children's section. nocoleo@aol.com Bjork it's oh so quiet, until a little pixie came along screeching called BJORK. What happened to the tastful music, the talented people? Give me a hairbrush, some makeup remover and a wardrobe and an extremely large baseball bat and I'll sort the little munchkin out. Oh and, hasn't anyone told her that we use paper to write on, not to wear as a dress? The Ginger bread girl,and her parner in crime the Hunny Bunny strike again. hmclarty@netcomuk.co.uk Paul Keating After what he did to Australia, he needs a good, old fashioned punch in the teeth!!! karate_kid60@hotmail.com Art Bloody Students! Oooh! This looks a litle bit abstract doesn't it? Look at me! With my goatee! Translation: Hit me....in the face....very hard...right now! psycho / cubes_of_ice@hotmail.com Mr Blobby That big pink blancmange has long been asking for a good thwack round the nut with a nine iron, or better yet, a nice big double barrel rammed down his throat. Yes, the Blob DEFINITELY deserves a place in the Face Slapping Gallery, if ever anyone did!!! gtwynn@essex.ac.uk HRM Elizabeth II Whatever you may have thought of the Diana phenomenon, public or private, she was a fellow human being, and infinitely more worthy of shed tears at her passing than a fucking rusty old boat! Love your site, it is knee-slapping-pee-in-your-pants funny! Keep your stick on the ice. daveseto@idirect.com Want more? Click here or nominate you own slapee!

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