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your votes
weird ones


Microsoft corporation
When do you want your system to fall over today? Right when would hate it the most? Slappem, Slappem hard with a barrel load of wet kippers. Slap that Mr Gates. Slap him with a yester years old smelly kipper.

Trekkies must die & then freeze on hoth!!! Spock has stolen many items from different cultures & not credited them properly. all Trek-likers r evil & should work in the spice mines of kessel!!!!
-Jedi Master

William Hague (Tory Boy)
Reason:He needs a good slap on his premature slap-head lest he thinks he could run the Tories.

Jonathan Aitken
For resigning declaring his use of the sword of truth, and then later applying for his libel action against the Guardian [currently running in the High Court, Strand, Court no. 10] to be heard without a jury. Oh yea. and he's a fucking arms dealer


John Redwood
The man and I use this term in the loosest possible sense, is quite simply a prick. As his fellow fuckwit, Theresa Gorman put it, so elegantly on "Have I got News For You", he is an alien and should be sent back to the depths of depravity of his childhood. I hate this "man" with such passion It would give me great pleasure to repeatedly punch him in the face and around that mutated head of his. Please oblige me as I think the prospect of slappin' this bastard is one that a vast amount of people will support and dutifully adhere to. Thanks, A fan of the 'erb.aka Simon Benson

Terry Christian
Grating voice. Face like a sore arse-hole. Attitude implemented by his vertically challenged state.

Bill Gates
His F*ck*ng OS window$95 make me sick. So let me slap & punch him. I think I'm asking the good guys to make my dream possible :)
(Ed's note: watch the space!!)

Rush Limbaugh
For those who lack the ability to smack some of the smaller targets, Rush offers an extremely large, easy to hit target.

Michael Bowers
He claims to be the 'family values' candidate by bashing homosexuals and upholding the Georgia anti-sodomy laws, then goes and has an extra-marital affair! This moron still thinks that he is in the right and will winn the governors office here in Georgia! What is this? If anyone needs a smack, he does! Knock some sense into him!

John Howard (Our illustrious PM)
Reason:Well, you slapped one of his cronies (Hanson), why not get the head racist in Australia. Not only is the spearhead of conservatism on the biggest island in the world, but he wants to stop students going to Uni, getting a job or having any fun at all. Give him a good slapping from all the people who have become disadvantaged minorities under his 'comfy' conservative government.
Andy + James/

Ronald McDonald
Reason:HIS COMMERCIALS!!! Those stupid f***ing commercials he has on TV two hundred million billion times a day where he pops out of pianos and puts elephants in kids' rooms and all that other stuff! Plus his theme song: "Who's that wearin those big red shoes..." **SMACK** Mistress Shaggy

The Whole Cast of Sesame Street
For ruining the English language as only Americans can... For teaching my daughters to say Zee not Zed... Lets rip Big Bird's head off!

Traffic Wardens
They walk around with a sad git look on their faces. They are really the lowest form of life. If you are a minute over your time, you get a ticket. Do you know why they have those bands around their hats? so you don't park on their heads.
The kid


The Spice Girls
Yo, awe, we wouldn't want to upset anyone. Slapping the Spice Girls is one of the greatest entertainment features of the entire world wide web. If you can't take a little criticism or stand being made fun of, then it is time to get out of the celebrity business.

Michael Jordan
He's too fucking full of himself. In all of his sorry ass movies, he is the best basketball player ever. My ASS ! He couldn't lick the sweat off of Magic's balls. He also has too much money. Call me jealous or whatever. I just don't like the guy. The Bulls are always called Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. What about my idol Dennis Rodman and the Chicago Bulls. He dares to be different. Fuck acceptance.

Gary Bushell
Bearded Clam of the highest order - sexist, racist, homophobic arsehole, who apparently spends all of his time writing an alleged "column" for the Sun which seems to contain nothing but monosyllabic references to women "getting their tits out" ("PHWOAR, eh?" ) and at the same time screaming "GET THIS FILTH OFF OUR SCREENS!!!!". Hypocritical tosser - it's HAMMER TIME!!!!!!

John Howard
Without a doubt the most gutless, pissweak Prime Minister that Australia has ever had to suffer under. He makes a pathetic, failed attempt at apology to the indigenous people of Australia for past injustices, then in virtually the next breath tries to push his 10-point plan altering the high court's Wik judgement, which will then greatly reduce their native title rights on behalf of a small number of wealthy landholders and companies. And when it came to Pauline Hanson, he initially defended her, saying that he welcomed "a return to free speech and an end to political correctness," then fence-sat 'til he saw which way public opinion was going, and now he attacks her. Pathetic. The fact that this little, little man could even be elected to his current position (a joke unthinkable even a few years ago) makes me want to slap every second person I pass on the street on the odd chance that they might have voted for him and the rest of his lame, misguided, masturbatory! little cronies.
Ian Malcolm

Ian Paisley
Over 30 years of bigotry and making a misery of Irish lives. His face and ego are almost big enough to slap from here - no virtual slapping required.


Robbie Williams
Robbie Williams' face look like a rhino's arse! How could anyone ever find him attractive? The mere thought (let alone sight) makes us wanna vomit. The worst thing though is that he's a fat shit and is ugly as fuck and he can't sing to save his life. He's produced some crummy song about being an old croon because some crap record company gave him a deal just because he was in an equally shit group called take that of all names.

Pauline Hanson
Reason:She has caused incredible division in what is an essentially an egalitarian and tolerant country. She is racist, homophobic, bigoted and stupid. Worst of all, she is an embarrassment, and presents an image of Australians that I don't want to be associated with. You are such a whinger, Pauline. Shut up!

Pauline Hanson
Reason:Racist and homophobic bigot...and a fucking ugly one at that. I do believe in a certain amount of violence if it would sort this bitch out.

Chirac is the creepiest creep on earth. He made his first major mistake last year but now I really could kill him, insulting me and my people because of our drugs policy. And if Monsieur himself is watching: there wouldn't be a problem with our policy if all those French people weren't enjoying it, so look for the solution in your own country. For all those who formed an opinion after listning to this jerk: not all Dutchmen are junkies!

Newt Gingrich
Because not only is he a dork, but he's a dork who can get away with breaking the law. If I didn't pay my taxes the United States Government, I seriously doubt I would get punished with a fine that I eventually don't even have to pay. What a bunch of crap!!


Alannis Morrissette
Obnoxious no-talent with a voice that can cause the mightiest buildings to come crashing down. kc/

Chris 'shut up you ginger twat' Evans
Ugly Bloke, Freak not Unique, twat, loud and friends with Danny Baker.

Gwen Stefani
for being a whiney, obnoxious, self-absorbed, over-exposed (in all senses of the word) little PVC covered wench who could really do for a good mauling. I sincerely doubt that little jewel-spot on her forehead is an expresion of religious zeal, but rather a nice place to sink a drill bit.


His Royal Highness The Lord Lloyd-Webber
Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Sarah Brightman -- you name 'em, he deserves a slap for them. But worst of all, threatening to leave the country if Labour won the election... and then NOT GOING!! And I was hoping that one of the highlights of May 2nd was going to be seeing him board a plane to the arse-end of nowhere and never come back. Tosser!

Giles Brandreth
Because he made a career out of looking like a mentally retarded child molester and when he realised that wasn't low enough he became an MP.
Simon Whitaker

Whoever Made The Anti- Spice Girls Pages
I can usually contain myself when I'm angry, but sometimes I can 't. I think the spice Girls are the most awesome people. I wish the people who made those pages would keep their comments to theirselves because some people might be very hurt by what their saying. How would you like it if someone made fun of you? I don't think you would at all!
(Ey! ey! take it easy 'Spice meg!' It's only a friggin' game after all - Ed)

pauline hanson
Reason:she's trying to turn australia into a Nazi Germany from the 90's
Andrew Lloyd-Webber
Slimy, repulsive, git, who writes execrable rubbish, makes millions, and consistently downgrades theatre standards by filling all the theatres with millenium-long runs of his tat.

Jim Davidson, Roy "Chubby" Brown and co
Over the hill sexist tossers who think that they are wonderful, funny and attractive. I have news for you boys - YOU'RE A BUNCH OF PATHETIC, CRASS, UGLY LOSERS. THE ONLY REASON PAGE 3 SLAPPERS GO TO YOU IS BECAUSE OF WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLETS, NOT YER TROUSERS!
Lily Blue


Paddy Ashdown
at the Lib Dems party conference last year, the members voted that should the party ever gain power, they would legalise cannabis. Ashdown and the executive overruled this - in one sweep destroying their claims to be either liberal or democratic. Plus he's a smug git.

Li Peng (China's PM)
Calling the PLA to kill fellow students in June 4th, 1989 (Remember the tanks?) Now Hong Kong is going back to China, don't think there's any more chances to criticise him any longer. Nobody will forgive him, nobody will ever forget what he had done to us. Give us his picture, thus while we are wacking him with our hearts content, let it be a reminder that: "There's 12 billion fellow countrymen watching you, you scum....."
A fustrated Chinese

Andrew Lloyd Webber
He looks like a frog and speaks like one. He votes Conservative and hates Labour. He said he would leave the country if Labour came into power, but he never to our dismay and denied saying this on TV.

Wallace Sanford
"Spamford". "The Spam King". Before he became the most hated person on the internet with his Cyberpromo spamming empire, he was the Junk fax king. His spamming, advocacy and fostering of spam which clogs bandwidth on the internet, slowing us all down. Let's not stop at slapping, let's spank him.

Jesse Helms (senator from N. Carolina)
This dillhole wants to ruin not only my freedom of religion and sexual prefrence, but also my chances for success by defunding the national endowment for the arts! I hope he dies of AIDS, which he considers a "blessing from god"!

Here is the idea of the millinium. Dress up in a black jump suit and white nikes, cut your fucking balls off (because in the next realm everybody is genetaly equal), and ride a fucking U.F.O. behind a comet while eating laced pudding and drinking screwdrivers. Common sense, which waved bye- bye to these people long ago, would tell us the only way to get to the higher state would be, stick a rocket up your ass while smoking a fat joint of some hydro-ponic shit.


Pauline Hanson M.P.
In Australia, Pauline is well known for her bigotry, racism, ignorance and incredible lack of personality. She has gained tremendous popularity from Conservative Australians based on her 'One Australia' policies, which basically exclude ethnic minorities from participating, including our own indiginous people. In short, millions of Australians would LOVE the opportunity to SLAP her. Andrew O'Neill/
Ronan Keating
The bugger can't sing, looks like a product of in-breeding between 2 moose and is about as sexy as creosote. As for the rest of Boyzone (what a SHIT name) - they are all the above x10.
Cristal Tipps. The cast of Riverdance
do they assume that we would want to see a load of overgrown primary school kids doing a dance that looks like they want a piss ? I hate them and wish they'd go and do line dancing...........Now there's another story....WANKERS.
Rover Coupe.

'Tosh' from 'The Bill'
Because he's a fat git with ridiculous hair and a ridiculous moustache.With that beige raincoat and his stomach a veritable Niagara Falls from his trousers, he looks like he should be picked up for being a dirty old pervert. A good punch might knock the 'rosy' out of his cheeks.

She is so damn proud of herself losing all her weight and how wonderful it is to be thin. THEN, all that she has on her stupid show are fat people, where she thinks she can help by making fun of them and practically saying, "I AM THIN NOW!!, YOU ARE NOT!!"

The Power Rangers
fucked up wannabe fighters in tights!! who the hell wants their kids to look up to fighting freaks in multicolored tights!!
DanSimpson e-mail is


Any super model
All these inhumanly skinny people do is set an unrechable standard. nothing personnal, but I just think someone should give them a nice, old fashioned beating. Of course, if I any one of them in the future, I would be really nice and if I played a virtual realtiy game where I got to kick thier butts, it would help me restrain myself from doing it right then and there
A fat girl

Fucking Chirac
He has destroyed the most beautifull place in the world. If I could meet him, I will test my ass powder in his face.

Apart from being a major-league porker, he produces records which sound like they've been bolted together from about 94 other songs and they go on TOO FUCKING LONG. He needs a damn good belt in the bracket.
Dave Peter /

Barney The Dinosaur
Typical of the completely self righteous Americans, Moralistic beyond belief, and all the songs are completely crap and recycled. I wouldnt need to use to much of my imagination to figure out what to do with that great pompous purple piece of festering nob-cheese Give him a slap, and a hard one at that!
Luke Shutler

Any of their faces would do..I've just about had it with these greedy bastards!..They "downsize" the work force, sacking loyal workers, only to line their pockets with more money. You pick the most appropriate face of the American Corporate Greed Mongers and I'll gladly slap it !!
Greg Hoffman


Dennis Rodman
Dennis tells all. Madonna, et al. are fuming. Dennis shows all. His "wedding" dress made the cover of all the tabloids. Dennis is not all that and a bag of chips. He is a green-haired, tatooed-butt King of Sleaze and Hype and well deserves a swift hard kick in his Chicago trunks!
Linda Medel/

James Goldsmith
He's the best raving loony candidate the raving looney's never had

Micheal Bolton
He is a major cheeseball. He's also incredibly bald. No matter how long he grows his hair in the back we all know it's happening on top. And I guess he sold like 10 million album but ya know what I don't know anyone that has one.

Do I even need to give a reason? Anyone who is proud to be the new Queen of pudgy Americans on Weight Watchers deserves a good cellulite-jiggling slap!

Who on this earth loves this obnoxious purple antipatic dinosaur??????
Humberto Romo

Liberal MP Rosanne Skoke
If you know anything at all about her, there is no need to ask. She is the singlemost anti-homosexual, closed minded nit wit in Canadian politics and now she may be running for the position of Premier in MY PROVINCE. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Some smacking is the least I could do for Nova Scotia.
Heather /


Bill Gates
He's trying to take over the world by making everyone pay gobs and gobs of cash for awful software, and then pay more so they can get their software fixed. I would dearly love to slap him, hit him with a baseball bat, maybe drop a monitor on him, anything!!!!!
Jason Sussman,

Margaret Thatcher
She was the inspiration behind the big hair alien assassin in Mars Attacks. Everytime she reappears its a race to see who goes "YACK-YACK" first; her or us. She would have destroyed the world given a little longer. We will be queing up to go YACK/Shout Europe all over her memorials at the earliest possible opportunity. Oh, and she needs a slap, too.

Heaven's Gate Members
Had they been slapped when they were alive, they may have absorbed enough common sense to know that UFO's don't hide behind comets. They hide behind ASTEROIDS. Comets are way too dirty and muck up UFO windshields.

Bill Clinton
He doesn't inhale, he sucks
Ty Baxter

All of Channel 5's executives
They've produced a channel so full of crap it's unbelievable. And the picture is like looking into one of those snow globe things. DID YOU BOTHER IF YOU COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT WATCHABLE????????

Anne Widdecombe
She's a witch!! She should be burnt at the stake or drowned in a small pond. Maidstone deserves the slimy, vindictive, old tory bag!!!!! Ed: Consider it done! Enjoy a juicy slap here!


chris 'ginger minge' evans
for sadly yapping on about 'filthy lucre' and his wad like the 80's never happened.. also for championing safe mediocre radio 1 friendly indie toss club wanker give hima smack

Virginia Bottomley
I mean, even Shakespeare wouldn't have given someone as evil and ignorant as the Bottomley bitch a speech impediment as well ... she may be a pantomime demon, but it would be as well to burn her at the stake just to be on the safe side.

Bill Gates
I'd like to run him over on his "road ahead!"

Liam Gallagher
He`s a fucking bell-end.

Rt. Hon. David Mellor Q.C. M.P.
A toe-sucking hypocrit. A failed fornicator. An international arms salesman who insults target shooters. Also, I would like to see him smile on the other side of his smug face. Editor's note: Your wish is our command! Click here for a satisfying Mellor Slap


He's the most chinless wan**r in the entire cabinet . Should be strapped to a bus and shagged with a Pineapple !!!!!

Michael Howard
Slapping is not enough for him. I want to kick him good and hard in the nadgers.
Tim Booth@somewhere or other

Jack Straw
for pushing in front of tories in the queue to kick those already down and out.

Robin Cook
He's a complete shite. That's Good enough for you?

Marco Landi
Ex-COO of Apple Inc. For taking the money and running, for forcing the resignations of some of Apple's finest employee's


Nirj Joseph Deva MP
He's my local MP and fully deserving of a slap or three.
1.For giving Tony "No drugs for me, thanks" Mortimer a tour of the House of Commons and grinning like a mug for photos afterwards with the cockney hypocrite. 2.For distributing campaign leaflets of himself, again, grinning like a mug with Nuns to emphasise his Catholic faith, but somehow failing to deliver them to Asian households in the constituency. 3.As my old mate Habib used to day, "How can any Asian vote Tory?"- let alone be one. 4.General reasons-Tory, suit, bad wig etc etc etc. P.S. The Hon. Anthony "Can't Count" Coombs, my old MP when I used to live in the Black Country, once turned up to our school to present some poxy industry award, pissed and spent the afternoon staring at the girl who was Head of the Sixth Form Council with drool coming out of the sides of his mouth- showing that at least our school had a level floor. He is even more worthy of a smack if you can find a picture anywhere of the anonymous tosser.

Barry "Bulldogs Arse" Legg
Normally just being a tory and having a face like the attractive end of a bulldog would be enough. but this sod wants to take our weekends away as well. This man should be tarred and feathers then burnt at the stake. I'm sure I'm not the first (or the last) to reccomend this

Dame Shirley Porter
For acting like a pantomime Dame in persistently denying that she sold 'homes for votes' and closed down homeless (and alledgedly labour voting) hostels in Westminster in the face of the most complete and all encompassing evidence possible. For believing that she is above the law. For treating us like ignorant, gullible fools. I say "Dame Shirley Porter you are guilty as sin!" She says "I no I'm not" She then expects us to say - "I'm sorry, of course you didn't do it. You are an honourable lady who wouldn't dream of spending millions of pounds of public money pursuing your vain ideas of despotic power."
Any person with a brain, eyes and ears


Montgomery Clift - posthumously
For daring to die before I could fuck him.

the bosses at SKY TV
I just spent 250 on a sattelite receiver and dish , then i spend 25 a month to get the full pakage (ie all channels available)..and then THOSE COMPLETE AND UTTER WANKERS AT SKY TRY AND MAKE ME PAY ANOTHER TENNER TO WATCH A FUCKING BOXING MATCH FOR A FEW HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!well........i think a slap would be to nice , how about a garden spade wedged up there tight arseholes.....wankers p.s and the picture quality is shite on sky sports

Paul Betts
He was too ignorant to talk to his daughter when she needed it, and too ignorant to stop spouting shite at the rest of us ever since.

Danny Baker
cos he is a fat pretentious git who has to much time and money on his hands for his own good. his hairstyle also went out with the pharoahs
shay'mad wolf'supai

The parents of ecstacy 'victim' Leah B.
Because they seem to think that the fact that their daughter was enough of a mong to drink 12-15 pints of water while pilling gives them the right to be raised to the status of media anti- drug heroes, and consulted by every mainstream publication under the sun whenever any remotely connected issue raises its head. YOUR DAUGHTER DIED BECAUSE SHE WAS STUPID AND YOU WERE PROBABLY TOO NARROW MINDED TO EVEN DISCUSS DRUGS AND THEIR SIDE EFFECTS WITH HER. HER DEATH WAS YOUR FAULT SO SHUT UP. There. - exhale- I think I've summed up the feelings of an awfully large number of people. The Betts' would be a fantastic choice.


Chris Evans
For being just a plain irritating little worm and a face like a 'well skelpt erse'.
The Nit Nurse

MP Barry Legg
Besides being a top tory twat his recent bill regarding the closing down of clubs if one 'suspects' drugs are being sold on or 'near' the premises, must be the hardest law to tightly define. Imagine the conversation outside the Ministry of Sound 'Excuse me officer, how distant is far and how close is near?' Officer:'Are you taking the piss?' Club Owner:'One of my boys is erm retailing in the area and uhm I need to know that he is far away enough, to be not considered near!' Officer:'If you carry on the like this I am going to twat you!' Club Owner:'I have a map of distan....' Officer:'Bash, Punch Bop' Club Owner:'I think I'll get me coat' . . . The only good thing that could possibly come from this is if Stringfellows gets shut regularly because of the Coke allegedly travelling round in Stringfellows nose - Oh yes lets have his face up there as well - another smug tory wanker (allegedly).

Virginia Bottomley
She deserves it. And just imagine the fun the nurses would have in casualty! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (Ed's note: approx 200 'ha ha's' snipped)

John Major
you tosspot! with yet another reduction in my dole money, how the hell can i afford to surf the net.
2 sweets no internet address


William H. Gates III
1. Stupid Name.
2. Stupid Face.
3. should a nerd be worth US$16 billion?
4. Windows.
5. Holding the whole IT industry to ransom.

Anne Widdecombe
For regarding people starving themselves to death as nothing to be concerned about and for wearing an enormous crucifix (which in private she usually hangs upside down) every time someone from the church criticise the disgusting racist policies of her government. Plus she is the single ugliest MP in the Houses of Parliament

Richard Branson
'cause he can't get his stupid balloon anywhere and doesn't deserve all the attention if he's such a failure - especially with all the dosh he's got.....

Anthea Turner
1. irratating giggle 2. stange bodily shape, small and squirmy 3. a unique hairstyle 4. the way she thinks she is the most popular person in the world 5. her stupid programs she presents 6. the way she nods her head as she speaks
Barry Young/


stephen dorrell (shadow sec. state for health)
for trying to pretend that the government has been adequately funding mental health services, when there is a acute shortage of psychiatric beds and more people than ever being kicked out onto the street.

Newt Gingrich
I agree, this American definitely deserves it. He's a right wing, conservative, anyone- different-than-us-is-evil asshole. He's bigoted, big mouthed, and ugly to boot. I'd smack 'im in the kisser gleefully.

David Rendel Lib Dem MP
Delighted to see Nick Blandy is already here. David Rendel, well for virtually the same reasons: for pushing through the A34 Newbury Bypass against the wishes of the local people and for lying everytime he opens his mouth...and for being a total wanker.

Margaret Thatcher
At her age a damn good slapping might be fatal. So it's an even better Idea!
Tom Page, Edinburgh

Enough already! Time to nominate you own slapee!

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