SJ's Top Ten Tips For On-Line Sex Seekers

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Can't get your end away on a Saturday night? Been trying the personal newsgroups with no success?

Well, you'll soon be able to put your days as a sad loner behind you, thanks to this sensational guide. Just follow these simple instructions below and you'll have sex objects swarming at yer feet. Honest.

SJ's Top Ten Tips For On-Line Sex Seekers
(how to post up in a personals newsgroup)

1. GENUINENESS
Always claim to be at least 100% genuine (150% is preferable; anything over 200% is even better). Don't worry if you're advertising to screw a schoolgirl while the wife is visiting her sick grandfather - just stress how genuine you really are and they'll be breaking down the schoolyard gates.

2. ORIGINALITY
A witty, inventive advert is sure to get you noticed. For example, try pretending that you don't believe any women really read Usenet. Then ask to be proved wrong. Hey presto! They'll be replying by the dozen and turning up on your doorstep to prove just how female they really are.

3. SIMPLICITY
If there's one thing a woman hates, it's strings. Always be sure to stress that you're after good, old-fashioned, uncomplicated fun. Social skills and/or personality will have them running for cover. Remember - the man of her dreams is the guy who will simply throw her on the bed, get his end away, wipe his penis on the curtains, and leave.

4. PERVERSITY
Got a strange sexual inclination? Don't worry - simply drop it into your advert as casually as possible.("SWM seeks SWF - interests include theatre, literature, travel, auto-asphyxiation and ballroom dancing"). She's unlikely to even notice, and you'll be choking on your satsuma before you can say "it's too tight".

5. MYSTERY
Give your advert a flavour of the unknown by inserting the clause "...and maybe more" at the every possible juncture - "SWM seeks SWF for friendship *and maybe more*. I enjoy swimming, tennis *and maybe more*. I promise to reply to all e-mails *and maybe more*." Believe me - they'll be intrigued to the point of orgasm.

6. COMPUTERS
If there's one type of guy all women love, it's the computer geek. Usenet is simply crammed full of young, sexy, leggy, blonde girls all begging for men who really know how to use their modem. Impress her by providing details of your latest hardware equipment and outline your years of experience in the cut-throat world of computer maintenance.

7. LANGUAGE
Women aren't going to be bothered if your advert is littered with spelling errors, ungrammatical sentences and other linguistic faux pas. If anything, it will prove to them just what a radical, free-thinking maverick you really are. Be sure to stipulate that your "lady's" have large "busems", and that your "tounge" is "ginormouse".

8. OUTRIGHT MISOGYNY
Hate all women? Think the little bitches should stay home and cook like Mom used to? Still bitter that your childhood sweetheart married the captain of the rugby team (the two-faced whore). Don't worry - simply advertise for a black dom male to help you discover a whole new sexuality. Who needs those silly little slappers anyway?

9. PIRACY
No luck yet? Remember - it's always lots of fun to pretend to be a woman and post an advert for other guys to (hilariously!) respond to. Don't bother changing the headers, no one will notice. Simply create an inconspicuous pseudonym for yourself (say, Divine or Sherri or Judy Cum), then go for it. Just one thing - don't forget to write in the style of a woman: "Do me up the ass", "Let me be your cock slave", "I'm wet and willing", etc.

10. LAST RESORT
Still no replies? Shit, what's wrong with those dumb bitches! Obviously, everyone else must be to blame - get revenge by trolling the whole of Usenet, being unnecessarily aggressive and slightly paranoid. Be rejected by every ISP in Europe because of your bitter remarks and threats of violence, but enjoy your revenge against all those bastards who so inexplicably refused to sleep with you.

© 1999 Steven Jones, reproduced with permission.

See also: How To Win Any Argument On Usenet,
The Subtle Art of Trolling

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